This entry gets quite personal. If you really don’t want to see behind the curtain, please skip. Part of me considers not posting this at all. But it’s part of the challenge to post daily. And vulnerability is supposed to be bravery right? As a tarot reader, I am expected to come across as having all of my ducks in a row. But, I’m still human. And I don’t have any ducks. I have squirrels. And they are not even in a row. They are at a rave. So if you hold the illusion that, as a tarot reader, I should be inhumanly perfect, walk on by. Nothing to see here.
I’m in ARAD hell right now, with a dash of autism purgatory. I hope I didn’t fuck up everything. My mind is spinning. Did I say something? Do something? Was I too forward? Too coy? A neurotypical person would understand what was going on. I’m not and I don’t. A neurotypical person would take him at his word that he was tired after training, and just wasn’t in the mood to talk. But with the hyper focus the past few days on the physical aspects, and then distance tonight, I can’t help but feel a) rejected b) worthless c) unable to be loved and d) that it’s all my fault because I did or said something weird. Am I destined to be Jenny Fey (Corey Hart’s answer to Eleanor Rigby)? Should I cancel Friday to ensure that I am not being used? Should I just end it now before he dumps me? Is it even “dump” when three months after reconnecting I still don’t know what the fuck we are doing? FAHHHHH!
I just wish that I was normal right now. And don’t anyone dare start with “normal is boring” or “be yourself” because unless you know what it’s like to have the dual diagnosis of ARAD and ASD, you are talking from a place of neurotypical privilege. I have brain damage. And I work very hard to hide it, overcompensating with the parts of my brain that are not damaged. Sometimes, when no one is watching closely, I am successful at appearing like everything is okay. Other times, people pay attention, and I fail at coming across as high functioning. This is one of those times.
Ritual prep- higher self takes over:
Caroline? Calm the fuck down. Go wash your hands and face. Mindfully boil some water and make your potion. Better? Okay, go.
Post ritual: Feeling better? Good. You know, this ritual in itself, flooding yourself and the space with love, is actually a banishing. Remember this one for your bag of banishing tricks.
Okay. Considering what you have been through, and how men have treated you the past 21 years, and considering your childhood, this is not an entirely unreasonable response. Your issue right now is A) your an extrovert who is kinda lonely tonight because you were sick and cancelled paint night with Sherri. You’ve been having a rough time at work and have had no social time to blow off steam. B.) You were seeking to have this need filled from an introvert who, as another human being, has his own shit going on, and has had zero time to himself since like the 3rd week in December. He needs to decompress on his own and not be dealing with your shit right now. C.) This is the closest you’ve been to someone in close to a year. It’s hella scary. Of course this is causing you anxiety. Chill out, and find some healthy way to get these social needs met. Can you finish work a little early and get to Stitch and Bitch? Maybe for the last half hour. Maybe that’s all you need. You used to play D&D every Sunday which was at least a guaranteed social outlet. Maybe it’s time to find another group. D.) Perhaps you need to put on your big girl panties and actually have a conversation about where things are heading, and what you want out of this connection. You are demi-sexual. You have always known this and know you have a name for it. Be true to you, and what you know you are capable of. You are incapable of casual, and if that’s where he’s at, end it now. You don’t want a repeat of James. E.) It’s okay to enjoy the physical aspect. It *is* possible for two people to be highly sexual *and* have an emotional connection. Just because he likes the sex doesn’t mean that he doesn’t also like other parts of you. F.) Tarot is how you make sense of the world. You started reading tarot to help you navigate the world you don’t understand. You are a gifted tarot reader, but yet you have been too chicken shit to pull a spread. If this was someone else, pulling a few cards would be your go to. Pull a 4 card spread to see where he is at right now.
10 of wands reversed flew out of the deck while shuffling.
1.) Situation- Page of Cups
2.) Body- Wheel of Fortune
3.) Mind- Two of Pents reversed
4.) Spirit- High Priestess
Seems obvious to me.
Well, that’s a relief. So, it’s quarter to midnight. I have to work in the morning. I’m running on 3 hours of sleep, and sick. I’m going to let him be until Friday to work out his shit. Meanwhile, I am going to continue to workout my shit, and try to find some healthy social time with friends. I’ll communicate with him effectively Friday night. This is worth hanging on to.