Ritual was a soft place to land after a frustrating afternoon. Nothing serious. I can’t believe how close I am to the end. I’m going to miss it, but the next challenge has already started.
I had my EVP on last night, and it started showing a list of ex boyfriend names, which, in itself is rather odd. There was only one name though that really gave me a reaction-R. Over a decade ago, we were together for about two and a half years. He was probably my great love. But, he didn’t love me back. At the 6 month point, I was ready to drop the L-Bomb on him. He told me that he was unable to feel love because of the trauma he had endured as a child. It was unfair of him to not warn me of this before we started dating. It was even more unfair that he continued after I confessed my feelings. So here we were. Me, desperate to be loved and him, unable to. They say that we accept the love we think we deserve, and I chose someone who couldn’t love. That speaks volumes about what I believed about myself.
At one point, we were seriously discussing marriage. We were actually writing vows that didn’t include the L-Bomb, because he would never feel it towards me. I was ready to marry and spend my life with someone who would never love me. That’s hard core.
I’ve made significant progress since then, but I have still tolerated sub-standard treatment in the plight of love. I am becoming better at drawing boundaries and sticking to them. But once my own feelings start going, I’m historically somewhat helpless in enforcing boundaries.
I haven’t seen R since we broke up. It broke me for years, but I am long over him. However, I miss his son. His son M was a year and a bit older than my daughter, and they were close. I loved that kid like my own. He was always a shy kid, so it doesn’t surprise me that he doesn’t have Facebook. I was able to find him through his step father’s profile. He’s HUGE! He has to be 6 and a half feet tall. He’ll be 19 in March, and started college in September. He has a girlfriend and they look adorable together. Though I may never see him again, I am still so proud of him.
I talked yesterday about strengthening some connections with safe friends, but I think that my social life might be put on hold until after I quit the muggle job. 10 hour days, 60 hour weeks, and late night Thursdays leave me with not enough energy to function. Though I am able to develop meaningful connections with my clients, it is still me caring for them. All day every day of people in need is draining on its own. Add to that the broken, under staffed and underpaid system, and it’s easy to see why my social life has withered. Not much longer though.