My dreams are on fire with insight it seams.
Last night I had a dream about the one guy I did date who had his shit together. Here’s what happened in real life. It was about 6 or 7 years ago. I met him through social networking, and he pursued me hard for about a year and a half. We finally met and there was instant chemistry. He seemed to be really into me at first. He’d come visit me, take me to lovely dinners. Though I never expected or felt entitled, he was very generous. I was going through some really crappy custody stuff, and he was incredibly helpful and supportive with researching legal stuff. He had blogged about meeting someone special, but we were never really official. I started to drop my guard around him. I started to fall for him. Things shifted and it then became all about me driving to him, as he was too busy with work. At Samhain, he invited me to bring my dog to Toronto, because he wanted to bond with her. My dog will bond with any person with a pulse, but it was sweet. He bought treats and toys for her to have at his place. He invited my daughter and I (I think she was 9 at the time) to go to the zoo with him on boxing day. I normally keep my daughter quite separate from my dating life (or did when she was younger), so wanting to meet my kid was a huge freakin’ deal. My daughter adored him, and they had a great time together. As I was starting to drive home that night, my brakes failed in Toronto and I sailed through an intersection on Dufferin near the 401. I was so lucky to react and apply the emergency break. I was able to get to a safe place, and I called him to pick us up. My daughter and I stayed at his place that night, we took the car to his mechanic, and he drove us back to London. I then had my broken vehicle in Toronto, and I was in London. His mechanic was impossible to deal with, and a month later had not even ordered the part. I needed to go through him to talk to his mechanic. But, he seemed to have completely lost interest in me. It felt like he was just all about “the chase”, and once the chase was over, meh. I was strung along for five months, never actually being able to call him my boyfriend. In the end he chose another woman over me. I was devastated. He broke my heart. After him I took a long break from dating, including a year of abstinence, which was broken when I started dating W.
We’ve recently become friends again, and are going to see the Viking museum exhibit at the ROM next month. Just as friends. I have zero romantic interest in him. He can’t be trusted with my fragile heart.
So, I think this past pain is also adding to my push to want to lock down the current gentleman into a relationship, even though we’ve barely spent time together. If it’s official, it’s harder to leave me, or so I tell myself. I am really trying to take things slow, but that fear of heartbreak is never far behind. It then also makes me think, if it’s not official, should I be seeing other people? Should I have a back up? I am really not in the mood to be strung along and left for someone thinner and prettier. I’m far too demisexual to ever consider polyamory. When I’m into someone, I am into just them. It would feel very dishonest to be interested in this new gentleman and seeing other people while he is figuring out what he wants.
Why is it never what I want? Why is it always on his terms? Why do I never have power when it comes to my own relationship status?