Trigger warnings for sexual violence and child abuse. Not posting this one on the business page.
I had a dream last night that I was in WalMart with my most recent ex. Usually, when I am dreaming about a store or shopping, it represents something that I need to obtain. But, instead of shopping for what I wanted, or even browsing, I was screaming at D for all the crappy things he put me through- the two facedness, forcing me to support him, refusing to clean without an invitation, the lying, the cheating, promising he’d get a car and not, crashing my car and refusing to pay for damages, letting his kids treat me like garbage so much emotional labour. I awoke about 5am, really upset and furious. I realized that I am not in any way still in love with him, and probably never really was. I was never even attracted to him in the first place. I settled, sold myself out, and ignored my boundaries because of the need to feel loved. And he betrayed me. I am far angrier and upset about the betrayal than I am about him hurting me. And of course, D was W 2.0, so all the betrayal I felt about W was funneled into D. Really, the betrayal I’ve felt from dozens of men, from being objectified online, being stood up, being assaulted, or any number of shitty behaviours were all funnelled into the most recent betrayal. I have been so focused on betrayal that I am not looking around at what I could have, shopping for a better option. It’s also dawned on me that I really have a history of dating losers- no education, no car, live in squalor, unattractive, no goals, no ambition, because I thought it would be safer and easier. But they end up betraying me anyways. If I am going to get hurt, maybe I should be setting boundaries for, oh, I don’t know, someone I’m actually attracted to? Someone who lives like an adult, has ambitions, a career and has cleaned their bathroom since Harper left office? Not be pushing 50 and going to Jack’s every Tuesday for cheap tequila night with 20 and 30 year old friends? If love is going to hurt, maybe I should enjoy myself in the process. Maybe, someone who actually has their shit together will maybe appreciate me and treat me better. Just a thought.
I fell back asleep, and had an awful nightmare that I had gone to a psychologist’s office, and he let me read my file. It was every shitty thing that my mother had done to me. As I read each page, sometimes documented in macaroni images by 3 year old me, I started having flashbacks in the dream. My mother betrayed me. She was supposed to protect me and instead she was my predator. She was the first betrayal, and ultimately, the most devastating. My longing to be loved is stemming from replacing that first betrayal with the love that was absent from the moment of my conception. This is why I do the ritual.
I woke up this morning completely paralyzed with fear. It was a good 45 minutes before I could move, and another 15 before I could get up and dressed. I was too emotionally exhausted for ritual, so it didn’t get done until before bedtime.