My first client of the day cancelled, so I have about 45 minutes to do ritual and blog.
Trigger warning related to sexual violence. I will not be posting this one on the business page, but it’s not hard to find. Again, if you believe that tarot readers should have an inhumanly perfect life and be all light and love 24/7, please don’t read this.
Saturday night I was watching season 2 of Outside Man- a BBC documentary series where Reggie Yates infiltrates subculture pockets to hear both sides of the story. The last episode he entered the so called “Manosphere” of Men’s Rights Activists (MRAs), including sub-human sack of shit, and self-proclaimed pick up artist, and Roosh V. He brags about raping women, and will say anything and do anything to convince women to have sex with him. It was so triggering that I needed to take the next day off of work- three days after receiving a written warning at work for attendance.
I’ve been thinking a lot about not just consent, but emotional consent. In the sitcom “How I Met Your Mother”, one character had a play book for methods of tricking women into having sex with them. If and when discovered, the woman who was the target of his “play” would be angry and feel violated- usually slapping him in the face or throwing a drink at him. I have been the victim of plays. To be emotionally duped feels worse that a flat out rape. It’s not just my body, but also a mind fuck. There have been too many times when I thought I was consenting to one thing, and it turned out to not be the case. Most of this was driven out of my desire, nay need, to feel loved. As a demi-sexual, I need to feel an emotional connection to someone to feel sexually attracted to them. I would meet someone and be absolutely clear that I was incapable of casual sex and that I was seeking something long term. They would agree. A physical relationship would develop, lasting from a night to several months, to discover that they had no intentions of ever committing or even caring about me. The level of violation and pain that I felt would be far worse than physical assault- lasting months to years, usually only ceasing when replaced with the next one, who would undoubtedly do the exact same thing to me. This cycle has occurred for most of my adult life.
I self-medicated with an entire bottle of wine, and a whole bag of chips, sobbing uncontrollably. Keeping myself fat became a way to shield myself from predators. Now that the fat is coming off, I feel vulnerable to rape and coercion with every pound I lose.
I think of the times that I had been assaulted. How many of those times did I put myself in harms way of dangerous situations out of a need to be loved? How many times did I fall victim to pick up artists while clouded by the poor judgement of my broken brain? I felt an unbelievable amount of guilt and shame.
I think that’s driving my want to lock in a relationship with the gentleman I have been seeing. I really like this guy, and though he continues to show signs of interest, I am so terrified that I am being used, that I have put myself in this situation again.
I say it’s been three months, November-January. But really, it’s half way through November to half way through January. So that’s two months. And with how busy our schedules are, and how conflicting our schedules are, we really have probably only actually seen each other 8-10 times since reconnecting. We barely know each other. This is really the most mature man whom I’ve ever dated (which considering the man-children I’ve dated in the past, the bar is not high). On one hand, I want this to develop naturally and feel comfortable with him before we actually form a relationship. On the other hand, by deep fear of abandonment and being used is driving me to rush things. Really, I need to chill the fuck out and enjoy myself. Because aside from this fear of getting my fingers slammed in the car door, I am actually enjoying getting to know him. I feel like I am such a naive schmuck for taking this kind of risk. It traditionally has not played in my favour to be emotionally vulnerable.