It’s about quarter after 2. Because it’s the wee hours, I decided to have my EVP on during ritual. I got the words AGE, LADY, SLOWLY and GRANDPA.
All of these words are meaningful to this recovery process. I have been thinking about my age, and my skill level. I have confidence in myself most of the time, but then there are other times when I see someone who is “more” than I am, and all of the sudden, I start acting like a keener. I am too fucking old to be playing the role of the neophyte. It’s time I owned some level of mastery. I’m not a girl anymore. I am a lady.
As I was thinking about the gentleman that I am involved with, I was focusing on the slow pace we have been moving. I reconnected with him in early November. Things started becoming physical late December. And now we’re in mid January, and we have yet to define what’s going on. He’s started to focus quite a bit more on the physical. And that leaves me wondering “is that all he wants”. I’m so reluctant to get my hopes up. Since the break up in the spring, there have been three men who seemed very interested, and then either changed their minds about entering a relationship, or completely ghosted, just as I was starting to feel safe opening up. Is it even worth getting my hopes up?
And of course, Grandpa. I have no memories of my maternal grandfather, but my paternal grandfather passed away when I was 16. In this life, my grandfather exhibited some not so honourable behaviour. But yet, I had a special relationship with him. We’d play crokinole until my fingers bled, and hand after hand of cards. He never went easy on me. My grandmother was a very special lady. I miss her a lot. But when she was in hospital, I would ride my bike over to visit grandpa, and he’d try his best to be a good host, serving leftover cookies that grandma always had on hand. In the afterlife, my grandfather has shown himself to be a protector. This seems to be a message that he is here to help in this situation, and that, though he never told me, he did love me.
So Day 12 is done and I am off to bed.
After ritual, I left my EVP on, and got the words TEASE, HOT and SCORE. Apparently, my kinky ghost is back. I should probably banish and get some sleep. Full day tomorrow. No rest for the fabulous.