I’m a bit behind on blogging the rituals, but I will catch up.
In feeling very vulnerable about blogging these ritual entries, there have been others who have come out to commend me on my courage. This has been very meaningful and encouraging. This is hard work, and putting it on display for the world to see is even harder.
I found it a bit hard to stay focused on me giving my mantra to me. I would envision others saying it to me, as if I needed some sort of external validation that I possessed the quality of loveable. I would envision saying it to others, as there have been so many times in my life that I wanted to say it, but didn’t dare because I knew that it would not be said back, or if it was, would be said back with a disingenuous motive.
I tell my kid that I love her constantly. Being a teenager, there is copious eye rolling and sighs of annoyance. She’ll say things like “Well, that was random” or “Um… I know. Because you JUST told me 5 minutes ago.” But she needs to hear that word, because I never did. I don’t want her to end up as broken and violated as I am because of how desperate she was to hear it.
It’s supposed to be the most beautiful and natural feeling that humans can have, and it has caused me so much pain. I feel shame for how I behaved- trying to obtain it from others, lashing out when I didn’t, and pushing others away when they may have come close. I can’t change the past. But I am having trouble extending compassion to myself because of it.