I did today’s ritual while I was home for lunch. Not much time to write today. I’m actually over due to be at a client’s house right now.
The L word didn’t feel itchy today. It had a bit of a warmth to it.
When I started the ritual, I was thinking about what tarot card most resonated with it. Obvious choice was The Lovers, but I don’t think that’s accurate. Strength would be another close choice, but not quite it. Really, it’s The Empress combined with Three of Swords reversed. Maybe a little Three of Cups in there. This is far less about a word, or a partnership, than it is about nurturing and healing. The Empress is often called “The Mother Card”. I am giving myself the word that I did not hear when I was young, that my parents were incapable of saying and that my mother is incapable of giving. I have no contact with my mother for my own protection.
I believe that my father does love me, but he shows his love through gifts and through acts of service. He has never said the word to me, probably because he never heard it from his father. But he says “When’s the last time you checked the air in your tires?” and “Have you checked the oil in the lawnmower”. His health is not good, but I know that if I am in trouble, he will do everything in his power to help. Two weeks ago, I was filling up the car, and my debit card wasn’t in my wallet. He drove across town to bail me out of the jam. If he is ever asked why, he says “Because that’s what dads do.” I told my dad that I loved him once. He said “What do you want?” I replied “Nothing, I just wanted to tell you that I loved you.” He took a deep inhale, there was an awkward moment of silence, and he said “well, you know I love all my girls”. That may be the best I ever get out of him.
I make sure that my daughter hears the word every time I talk to her.
So day 4 is done. And I am back to work. Geriatric bottoms are not going to wash themselves.